Friday, September 30
this is freakily accurate.
The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.
All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.
You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non-fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.
http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/results.cfm?d=1&colors=05176234&name=&email=
it must've been love.
9:39 pm
xoxo
just when i thought my life was hopelessly boring, it became what i consider the most exciting day of the week so far. this has nothing to do with the fact that i just woke up with bed hair. anyway, if this were a movie, this would be the trailer- quick flashes of anxious faces, and voices playing overhead:
' oh my gosh oh my gosh don't do this to me!'
' what? what?? where is it??'
' there' [trembling, accusing finger]' what are we going to do, make a dash for it or crawl close to the floor?'
' how does that help the situation??' [a small crash heard as a chocolate bar lands some distance away]
' where are you going? are you gonna leave me here by myself?'
' ehh!! wait for me!!!!'the ultimate betrayal. we made a dash for it in the end. fine, i did. she insisted on getting her toasted bread but i was convinced it was dirty. her bits are the purple words. what
really happened was that my sister had wanted me to toast some bread for her but i couldn't remember that we had a toaster, so we both went into the kitchen. i was fishing chocolate bars out of the fridge when there was a slight scuffle and she ran towards me screaming and i jumped back screaming. i thought she'd found a cockroach. well it was pretty close. apparently a lizard had leapt out of the toaster. so there we were, stuck on the far end of the kitchen, with a monstrosity keeping us from the safety of the outside world. the cherry on the cream? i had just sent my maid down to buy some things. so there we were, two jittery, terrified girls staring anxiously in the general direction of a lizard we couldn't see. my sister started walking towards the door. i quaked, the idea of it jumping
on me too horrifying to imagine. i decided to throw my chocolate bar across the kitchen instead to see if it would jump at the movement. nothing moved near the toaster. i dashed past, after deciding that i can't crawl very fast and anyway what if it jumped on my back while i was wriggling my fat butt past? my sister followed less quickly, stopping to grab her bread. the lizard is still there, somewhere. i am not venturing near the kitchen again. lizards are better than cockroaches i guess, but i hate all stupid ugly things.
and so, i just woke up. nice nap. =) and back to mugging i go.. soon. i want the song i want the song i want the song. chirpy chirp!
it must've been love.
5:36 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, September 28
warning: the post below is yet another portion of teenage angst served up with irritating self-absorption. if you can't handle that, go away. this is my space, i'll say what i want to say and feel what i want to feel.
there. now i can lash out.
i was furious at the chinese teacher today for wasting my time and energy. i was already so tired from the monthly inconvenience, then i had to wander round and round the school hunting for him. more than once. i mean if you say you're in the staffroom and tell me to go there, then will you please
stay there for about 5 minutes so that your student can rush there to take a test that is not even important for the promos? but no, he had to waste 2 hours of my time. thank you very much. i appreciate it greatly. i can't waste my own time without your help.
and everything just went downhill from there. i don't know, i could blame the weather [it's raining] or the hormones [monthly inconvenience again] or bush [he's so convenient to blame, you know] but really i know i'm just being a big-time bitch. with every hour that passed i just ended up feeling more and more depressed and i was so frustrated with myself and everything and everyone that i just felt like slamming a glass against the wall and dragging its shards across my skin. or maybe just crying. i don't know why i'm so violent.
decided not to eat with mari and sara. with my bad mood and black face i wouldn't have been very good company anyway. so i'm bingeing on chips and coke instead. blasting 'goodbye' by air supply.
you would never ask me why my heart is so disguised.. i just can't live a lie anymore.i think i finally know what i hate the most about hwachong. it isn't just that it's cheena and red and annoyingly communist.. it makes me feel bad about myself. i don't hate my class. or my classmates. or my teachers. they just have this knack of making me feel like a classic idiot. and /or retard. i felt okay about myself in st marg's. i don't think i've ever felt good about myself, but that's okay, c'est la vie. but at least i felt okay. i felt okay when i topped bio in sec3. i felt okay when my english and lit essays were read out and passed around. i felt okay as a pl, a monitress. but i don't feel okay about myself anymore, ever. it just seems like everything's hit rock bottom. i got a borderline pass in lit. the only comment at the bottom of my paper was that it was relevant but far too brief. i don't have the mental or physical stamina to write more than 1 1/2 pages. history - failing due to lack of content knowledge. math - failing because i don't know why, maybe i just stopped caring, or maybe it's what i've always known - i'm an illogical fool. the last bit goes for econs -which i'm failing too. i hate being in a good school.
oh God i am so whiny.
why can't i just accept the fact that i am useless at everything, that i will never be anything, that all i have to do is want something in order not to get it?
the math teacher said, stop doing too difficult questions if it affects your morale. after which he said i have to work much harder. okay so i work hard on easy questions in order to build my morale, is that it? all the while knowing that i would never survive doing the hard rj / hc questions? who cares what your morale is like, going into the exam hall, if you're going to leave with the same sinking feeling in your heart. don't expect anything, don't even hope or dream or anything foolish like that, because you'll only disappoint yourself.
i'm trying not to lash out in school, in public, because it isn't fair to you. i try to keep it inside so it doesn't disturb other people. so no one can say i have no control. but i confess, i have no control. i've been twirling my knife more frequently than i've been twirling my pen. what can i say? there used to be a time when someone could stop me. well things have changed, my dear. my heart belongs to no one, and i have no one's heart. i can do anything i want. i'd love to blame you, but maybe you don't mean enough for me to even consider blaming. and yes i think i've said goodbye.
shall go bang mozart on the piano. i don't deserve time off to play. but there's lesson later so i might as well brush up on mozart. i won't allow myself to touch my favourite scores. somehow the ache in my fingers when i play nonstop for too long is somewhat reassuring.
did you ever know a more pathetic specimen of a detestable human?
it must've been love.
2:48 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, September 27
crazy crazy days.
quite fatigued. felt rather faint in school just now. blame it in the monthly inconvenience. and so tired. left math consultation early because i was having a migraine and feeling nauseous. i would take a nap now, but it's such waste of time. i feel less guilty playing the piano. at least that way i use my brain.. i think. ate The Love of my life again, in the hopes of giving me a bit of energy. and a loaf of bread. to no avail.
fields of gold.
i'm so random. sorry. incoherence seems to come naturally when i'm tired. i feel my life's essence seeping away. i said something this morning. well, not really said. um. wrote? anyway. i finally feel that i did the right thing to walk away.. from someone who couldn't take me wholly as i am; crappy, sentimental and emotional. and a leeetle bit melodramatic. hahaha.
mari is forcing me to listen to 'some velvet morning'. i am getting a worse migraine now. -scowls- food here i come.
oh. and i am officially the person you ought come to when you're feeling down. the only reason being that no matter how badly you are doing in school, just ask for my grades, and all your problems will diminish by far in comparison. i'm serious. try it. this is my purpose in life.
it must've been love.
5:33 pm
xoxo
Monday, September 26
is there ever one thing that you could never ever let anyone know, ever? not even your best friend. not even the friend whom you confide in the most. not even - God. of course you know that he knows that you know that he knows. but you still refuse to tell it to him personally. and it's worse than your [not-so-secret] love life [or lack thereof].
there are just some things that you have to take with you to the grave.
chocolate cravings. the richer the better. same with peanut butter. that it is a sin makes it even more tempting. imagine if vegetables were a forbidden fruit, if we were told it would make us fat in a mouthful. half the damage is in our minds alone.
i dreamt of music, of a tune as soft and clear and lilting as angels' voices, coursing through my veins and invading my soul. looping its persuasive melody around my mind and capturing the accompanying harmony esacaping from within. there really isn't any explanation for the uncontrollable effect of music; it just - is. maybe you think you're composing a piece, but in reality the music is composing itself. composers speak of inspiration - maybe what they think is inspiration is merely whispers of music in the wind, just waiting to be written. your dream isn't really yours, although it is convenient to name thus. the music owns you once you step into its realm. you are merely its tool, a mortal with a pen in hand, crouched over pages of scores that look impossibly nonsensical until someone like-minded takes your dream and plays it out. then the music is satisfied, flowing until you play its last note, before disappearing back into the wind that whips your hair around your face. gone, and yet - not quite. one of those engimas.
do you believe in soulmates?
it must've been love.
6:49 pm
xoxo
Sunday, September 25
so much for my decision to be hardworking. started studying demand and supply today. no you didn't misread that statement. demand and supply. how i'm going to finish studying for monday, i have no clue. 3/4 of my subs are in shambles, and the last sub is near the edge between life and death.
i used to sing 'God will make a way' whenever i felt that things were beyond my control. He always made a way, somehow. can i trust Him to do so once more? i wish i could say with all the confidence of a godly person that He will. but i'm not right with God. maybe i never was. the preacher today said something about your having to be right with God to have powerful prayers. when i heard that, i thought, oh hell, why bother? i'm doomed anyway.
i feel a sore throat coming on. and a cough. this is what i get for eating The Love of my life 5 days in a row. -wheezes-
played the piano for 2 hours again today. my fingers are swollen now. not just the tips, which hurt a little. i mean the muscles along the sides. now i'm going to get fat swollen muscular fingers. but they're kind of soft. argh i give up trying to figure my fingers out.
isn't it stupid to look back and say, hell i wasted all my time, and all for nothing. you really don't get much in return for mooning around. all that happens is that you get bad grades and feel terrible about yourself and end up nowhere. so really, the muggers are the smart ones, not those of us who spend all our time doing stupid things like eating and reading and playing the piano. because in the end it gets you nowhere. and stupidest of all are those who sacrifice their grades, whether willingly or not, for the sake of that irresistable desire to be irresistably desired, called love.
i conclude that i am a fool.
it must've been love.
7:16 pm
xoxo
Saturday, September 24
wasted the whole day. haven't done a single scrap of work. damn. i'm not even sure what hwk there is. i stopped using a notebook months ago. shall find out later.
played the piano for 2 hours and now my hands are twitching uncontrollably. i don't have much stamina.
the lyrics to 'no such thing' by john mayer are nice, but the song is a little too chirpy. i'd have thought it'd be angsty and maybe a bit strange-and-beautiful-ish. but oh well it's quite nice. i am thanking siti for it.
why am i so unproductive?i shall do math now. need to start studying econs and lit soon. i wonder what the future holds.. we can make all the promises in the world, but they won't change the fact that our destinies were decided at the beginning of time. no matter what you say or do, i'll still find a way not to burn this bridge.
it must've been love.
7:46 pm
xoxo
Friday, September 23
and so, this is how it feels, reaching for heaven.
it tastes a bit like peanut butter chunky kitkats. -shrugs-
i got distracted about a gazillion times and now i've forgotten what i meant to say. blame it all on my sister who was asking me what to wear tomorrow. i need to clean page's cage. my beloved blob of fur.
it must've been love.
9:23 pm
xoxo
Thursday, September 22
i used to like the song 'glory of love'. it could make me cry. but now i see that we girls have to fight for our own honour.
stayed in school til 930. what a record. studying hist for tmr's test. if it turns out it was irrelevant i will cry. mdm tay is so vague. and i don't dare ask questions cos i hate it when she blows up for no apparent reason in my face and almost blasts me into outerspace. she kept nagging for me to get notes from the photocopying shop, but when i got there the lady insisted that there were no notes. and i looked so woebegone that she thought i didn't understand, and asked someone to translate. whereupon i looked even sadder. =( it seems that no matter how many times i persuade her to believe that i am predominantly chinese and that i do speak chinese, she insists on assuming i am malay / from somewhere else.
mari is quite correct when she says that i make everything seem like The Trials and Tribulations of Mello. hahaha. i guess i tend to harp on a bit. and my reactions can get quite big. and everything shows on my face. fine that's the understatement of the year. i'm just melodramatic.
cringe.
i can't look you in the face, just in case you know.. just in case you can see.. because, of course you can. i've never been a good liar.
language is too empowering for my comfort. the nice thing about music is that it conveys feelings and meanings without being too in-your-face. when i try to go the roundabout way in order to make my meanings less stark, i get accused of using extensive vocabulary that isn't appropriate. and hell, why should i look as if i'm showing off? i think i'll stick to long, lingering, wistful looks.
it must've been love.
10:32 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, September 21
i'm very systematically demolishing a family-sized block of chocolate. i break off a row slowly and divide them up equally into small squares. the sweetness is almost overpowering. but i finish the entire block because i don't know what else to do. there is compulsive eating, and there is eating to forget.
i refuse to think about the past. it's over. over. over. to hell with plasters and letters and chocolates. it's stupid to remember what caused every scar. it's stupider to pick at the wound to keep it from healing.
your picture is still hanging on my wall. it was your birthday the other day, but i didn't call or even msg because when i lost my phone, i lost your number too. i'm sorry. i still think of you. nearly everyday. and i remember what it was like, growing up. it seems so long ago, but it's only been a few years, really.
i hate my damned fringe. i look freaking ugly. yes i sound like a typical girl. who cares? you don't have to put up looking uglier than before everyday.
it must've been love.
7:35 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, September 20
another 5-hours-of-sleep day. and once again i feel fine and dandy. just spent the last hour decorating my new file. heh. printed out my favourite poems by anonymous poets, as well as one by carol ann duffy. a few of my own, because, hell i'm an egoistical pig. eating ritz cheese and crackers. yum. arghh pig pig pig.
just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrows, til there's none.
yeah right.
i find i have nothing to say tonight. whirling memories. on the bus i thought of a song and almost started tearing. how pathetic. saw something on teresa's blog today. imagine, this screen that looks like a usual online convo screen. it went smth like this. can't really rmb.
a guy: ::waves:: bye!!
a girl: wait
guy: yeah?
girl: i love you [backspaces]
nevermind
guy: okay, later!
girl: bye
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
thinking of something i read once. while listening to 'all out of love'. a fanfic. where hermione was leaving harry [their relationship reminds me of a lesbian couple's - so much love it hurts] to go off with draco. and harry said, 'he doesn't love you like i do.' and hermione just looked at him sadly and said, 'no. but he can't hurt me like you can.'
it's so sad and beautiful and ache-y i end up clutching my heart just thinking about it. and yes that's what i think. maybe the reason why it's 'wrong' to be crooked is because you tend to invest too much. imagine the emotional needs of a girl, doubled. i imagine the relationship in the shape of a curve. sine curve, to be exact. i don't know why i need illustrations for theories. math is actually quite useful in marrying sense and sensibility. so if relationships take the form of sine curves, the amplitudes for homo relationships are much higher than those for hetero relationships. when you're high, you almost hit the sky. but when you're low, it's almost too much to take. and like the quote above.. he won't love you like she will, but he can't hurt you like she can. the only way to stay sane is to get off the monster rollercoaster and onto the junior one.
cynical, cynical me. and yet i still love love. ah well, the hell with all of that.
it must've been love.
9:09 pm
xoxo
Sunday, September 18
it's been an awful weekend, but hell, it's almost over. one more hour. whoopeedo.
i get depressed reading annie's blog. because she is so hardworking and determined, and i'm such a slacker in contrast. don't deny it annie, you've got the goals and the determination to see them through. me, i'm just another dreamer. unfortunately i'm not quite in the right school for dreaming. mmhmm. nevermind, i shall get rich having an illegitimate child by the prince of morraco or is it monaco? nevermind, a prince. there is a perfectly rational reason for this startling proposition: we all want to marry princes. unfortunately this means a loss of privacy, as well as adhering to a certain form of behaviour that most of us are unaccustomed to. and well, of course princes these days aren't so very charming. but if you have an illegitimate child by a prince, he will be obliged to pay you great sums of money to keep things low, plus you get your freedom, etc etc. wonderful deal, no? except morally incorrect. oh well. can i repent after that?
i think i function better when i sleep less. i'll try sleeping only 4 hours tonight. see if i can last the 440 day.
thinking of getting a job after promos. only there's pw. and chinese ao somewhere. so i might actually only have time to work during the hols. and ooh there's a lot of cca stuff to catch up with. darn. there go my hopes of earning some cash. will probably need a substantial amount to tide me over the holidays. plus since i'm a swinging single, unlike
most of the people i know, and there aren't people falling all over themselves to pay for my drinks and the like, i've gotta earn my own money. how did this happen?? in 9 months, 3/4 of the people i'm close to [i exaggerate not, my friend] have somehow found people who offer to buy their drinks, even if they aren't officially attached. ahhhhhhhh. there goes my self-esteem.
saddening thought. jean told me last night i used to be pretty with my old fringe. =( i am very sad now. i think i'll go wallow in sadness and do my math tut.
it must've been love.
11:04 pm
xoxo
Saturday, September 17
and the hairdresser's scissors went,
snip snip.
yes i cut my hair. again. no, no, it's okay, there really isn't a need to reach for the little tin where you keep the Wig Fund. i didn't chop my fringe off. i'm not that stupid, considering how it took a month to grow it back to its current length. umm. so now it's a bit of my june haircut. straight. sort of. ahh i give up.
i'm in a
much better mood tonight. =D =D =D
this may or may not be directly related to how much the russians love their children.
remembering nightworld. and that bit in front i always loved. i can't remember the exact wording, but it went something like this: there are only 2 rules in the nightworld. 1. you can't fall in love with a human. 2. they can't find out the nightworld. this is a book about what happens when both rules get broken.
don't you stand there and tell me you love me, then leave again.
it must've been love.
8:36 pm
xoxo
Friday, September 16
i wish i could see your face again.
today's been a crabby day. all day i've walked around with an odd burden in my heart. and tears that i refuse to let fall, because they have no reason to. i even tried to pick a fight with ally just now. which was when i realised that something's wrong. sorry ally. your opinion really does matter. we'll talk about it again when i'm more rational okay? went for math lect. only 4 people did. but even we got scolded for not encouraging the rest to go. and the thing is, when he was scolding us i just felt so so guilty even though i know that they wouldn't have gone even if i had encouraged them to. we are our own people. only friends' opinions hold weight at this age. and stupid zhenrong keeps using his stupid computer as a stupid excuse not to do his share of the work. why is it that 3 girls end up doing 4 people's worth of work? but it's so frustrating to talk to him because all he does is breathe loudly and irritatingly and then i get pissed off and either yell or walk off or do both. i slept about 4 hours last night. and strangely enough i wasn't all that sleepy today. it hurts hurts hurts thinking of you. of everything. of. nothing. fetal position.
ignore me. i'm just being melodramatic as usual. really nothing is wrong. how could anything be wrong? i've got everything haven't i? both parents and a sister. i go to school. i have clothes to wear and food to eat. really i'm just being typically teenage-angsty. life goes on.
draw pretty little pictures on your skin with blood.
i have no more guilt left to feel. i think i've hit max for today.
it must've been love.
9:28 pm
xoxo
Thursday, September 15
today wasn't too
bad a day.
okay so this time last night, i was asleep. heh.
i've got a hist essay plan, lit assignment, chinese jian bao and test to study for, PW [2nd draft due tmr] and math tut to do tonight. no idea what time i'll sleep tonight. well we definitely have to get PW done tonight. and i really want to hand in lit. i can conveniently forget about hist and chinese again, and math can be done during the break. there.
what happened to my plan to do all my homework on time??i'm in love with this song, thanks to mari. russians, by sting.
In Europe and America, there's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets
Mr. Krushchev said we will bury you
I don't subscribe to this point of view
It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too
How can I save my little boy from Oppenheimer's deadly toy
There is no monopoly in common sens
eOn either side of the political fence
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the Russians love their children too
There is no historical precedent
To put the words in the mouth of the President
There's no such thing as a winnable war
It's a lie that we don't believe anymore
Mr. Reagan says we will protect you
I don't subscribe to this point of view
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the Russians love their children too
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
What might save us, me, and you
Is that the Russians love their children too
isn't it sad? oh you should listen to it. so sad, and so true. sadder because it's true.
mari sketched a picture of me during econs yesterday. she's good. but i don't believe i look so sad all the time! i looked like i was going to cry. and all i was doing was staring at the screen. no wonder the teachers used to ask if i was all right all the time in st. marg's. oh well.
annie and i ate yummy icecream again today! no one dropped her icecream, but we stood at the sausage freezer section of ntuc to eat our icecreams hahaha it's so silly but it worked anyway. met my sister as i was going into ntuc [at our place] and she was coming out. i yelled, 'food!!' across a short distance towards her. hahaha great minds think alike. so she waited while i bought two packets of timtams. heeee.
i will finish my share of pw tonight. i will do my lit assignment. and i will attempt to do the other homework. to God be the glory, amen.shit i miss st. marg's.
it must've been love.
9:22 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, September 14
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
my mother is very talented at irritating me. all she has to do is
breathe. okay i exaggerated. she went
on and
on about how awful my math is, how i'm going to fail, blah blah blah. like okay, i knew that already, please give me a break, i just stepped into the house. some days i fantasize about walking out of the house. is this why i carry a penknife in my pencil case?
kinda losing my nerve about some things. where did my razor-sharp mind go? i'd rather hide than kick up a fuss now. if i'm alone. if there are others then of course bravery is less of a question.
stab stab stab.
goodness i'm regressing to the angry person i was earlier this year. stab.
here she goes again.
oh God.
it must've been love.
8:05 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, September 13
another crappy day. *shrugs- or should i say, another day in the life of a typical teenager.
i saw them together. fwah and her gf. it
hurt, physically. saw her 3 times today. it just hurts every time i look at her. maybe this is why i should only see her now and then. it's not like anything's gonna come of it anyway. i saw the way she put her arm around her shoulder, and i thought, it shouldn't be this easy.
trying to find the hole in my computer to plug in my earphones. i'm craving the sensation of having music blasting into my ears, so loud that i can pick out individual instruments.
patience is a virtue. virtues are virtues because only the virtuous can ever achieve them. i'm neither virtuous nor patient.
and this day keeps getting worse. and worse. and worse. and i binge and binge in an attempt to drown out sickly little voices in my head that whisper, 'you're just an idiot, you'll never find the one thing you seek.'
more than a year later, the scars are still there. in fact they're getting worse. they used to lie flat. now they're kind of bumpy. maybe a year. maybe two years. whatever made me think that time healed all wounds?
this is the saddest statement in the world: 'i trusted you'. at first i thought it would be 'i loved you', then i realised 'i trusted you' has more impact. imagine. girl throwing a rose at guy's feet, sobbing, 'i trusted you', as compared to the same scene, with the words 'i loved you'. 'i trusted you' carries more impact because of the hint of blame, of betrayal.. and because there's no mention of love. without trust there is no love. so when you say 'i loved you', it merely sounds sad in a lost-forever kind of way. without the hidden hurt and anger that betrayed trust carries. and love.. love is like energy. sometimes i wonder why huiying and i discuss this point every fortnight only to come to the same conclusion. it's like a habit we can't break, arguing about whether love is like energy, when we already know the answer.
i
will do work tonight. finish copying jan's math notes to return to her tomorrow, do the math question the teacher asked me to do, and maybe more math. math math math. i
must pass overall!!
please.oh, can someone review 'thunderstorms', please? scribbly blog. needs editing. thanks.
it must've been love.
8:44 pm
xoxo
Monday, September 12
did i
mention the blow to my self-esteem? oh well, this year has been full of nothing much but blows to my self-esteem. *thinks* yeah. i can't rmb anything that really boosted my self-esteem. trouble is.. i don't think anything in my life so far has really done much good to it. i wonder how i survived 17 whole years. maybe i should just start being contented with half-loaves first. the trouble is, over the years i've been conditioned to think.. nothing is ever good enough. there will always be something, someone better, another mountain higher. and even if you don't put yourself down, someone will, and that person will probably be nastier about it. so you might as well do the insulting yourself.. so if anyone says anything about you, you can just shrug and say, yeah i knew that already. instead of having someone bitch, saying, oh she thinks she's so great, but really it's nothing.
yes that is how i feel, at least about myself. because no matter how well i did, or even what i did.. my sister always did better.. and i knew what people were saying. 'oh, your sister isn't in gep?' 'oh your older girl is so smart! so where's the other daughter? st. margaret's? oh.' and more, regarding psle and o's. even when i did triple science, they were like, 'you only do 8 subs?' yeah yeah whatever, bugger off. then there were those days when i joked that she only took pictures with me so she'd look better in them. sometimes i wasn't joking.
maybe i should stop saying such tongue-in-cheek things. people either take me too seriously, or not seriously enough. sometimes i think it's better to be this way. no one can hurt me more than i hurt myself. all i have to do is hurt myself as much as i can, as often as i can, and then i'll never hurt more. i don't want that kind of control, that kind of power to fall into someone else's hands. no one can despise me more than i already despise myself, no one can hate me more than i already do. so i figure i'm safe from the world. oh, i know the billions of counter-arguments against that. but they don't convince me because i refuse to believe them.
and now i wonder.. am i not good enough, again? am i not pretty enough, not witty enough, not vivacious enough? or maybe it's what i've suspected all along.. that i'm simply too flawed to ever be perfect enough. it was never me, was it? why does this still come to mind, a lifetime away?
you will never know the truth of what went on in my mind during that lifetime. i will never hand you such power in the form of flames. the trouble with giving all you have, is that when forever has come and gone, all you're left with is nothing.
it must've been love.
6:31 pm
xoxo
Sunday, September 11
thanks to bev. heh.
| How You Are In Love |
 You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to take more than give in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
chris called just now. she has fantastic timing. hahaha. i'd just finished 2 lit essays [1000 plus words each for once] and was planning to start on econs. sigh i love how slack things are over there. chris: i know things are gonna work out just fine. hope you get that job. and don't skive off at work, you hear me?? =D oh, and study for your exams!! haha yes i'm a nice one to talk.
decided to blog since i finished econs. so i've finished 2 lit essays and econs. a bit of chinese. will do hist sbq now. well. try to anyway. start reading / planning at least. will have to stay back to finish it if i don't. chinese.. i'll do before school and in the break before the lesson. lit tut.. zap and do during the first break. thank goodness there are 2 breaks tomorrow! anddd. the last lit assignment.. oh well, another day. if she wants me to pass it up i'll write a poem on the spot and fail. math. well too bad he can just kick me out of class already. tadahhh. =D
i've coined new terms. you know about eyecandy right? well let me tell you, there are heartcandies, mindcandies and soulcandies too. go figure.
to those taking their prelims, good luck! uh. that'd be liz, and if my sister reads this blog. oh well. good luck anyway! chris, i know these are trial exams, but do you want to be like me?? hahaha.
ally. if i can't sleep tonight it's all your fault. all the nice songs.. arghh. will we still be this way when we grow up?
this is the end of the hibernating season. luckily i've stored up enough to last through the next term. and yes i think i can go do my sbq reading / planning now. tmr i'll go to school looking like a drug addict. ah, me. =D
it must've been love.
11:24 pm
xoxo
Saturday, September 10
i guess i won't remember much about tonight except watching jan do her wu shu thing and lying near the track later on. heh. the stupid story i came up with while we were sitting around. well they were sitting. i was lying with my head in jean's lap. it was very breezy somehow, and there were so many stars.. rather pretty.
i've settled several issues. why did it take me so long? i've come full circle. i'm back to being a conservative christian, revised my personal moral codes, and well i'd even be okay if all my friends decided to get attached now.
what can i say, i'm exceptionally talented at doing silly things.
it must've been love.
11:02 pm
xoxo
yay for janet!!! hahahaha. jan, thanks for talking to me for 1 1/2 hours even though you have a performance tomorrow [or is it today?]. yup. i really appreciate it. =D you made me feel much better about myself, even though you kinda made me realise i'm worse than a classic idiot.
remember, silence is golden. i love you! =D
heh chris is as mad as ever. hahahah silly chris. gonna shoot you one day.
it must've been love.
12:37 am
xoxo
Friday, September 9
i'm freaking scared. mel oh mel, why couldn't you remember that it was supposed to be hush-hush? i tried to keep it low for a reason. oh well. nevermind. i guess you thought i'd tell everyone.. nevermind. i'm telling janet tonight. at 10. i hope she doesn't get mad that i didn't tell her earlier. i hope she won't have a huge huge reaction and make me feel like an idiot all over again. sighhhhhhhhh.
today's been such a bad day somehow. seems like all the bad things had to happen on one day. oh please may this day end well.
it must've been love.
7:04 pm
xoxo
leaving the house in a bit. am very unproductive these days. what if i retain? why is it that i never had to worry about being promoted from level to level previously, but now this fear is very real and very valid?
for all it's very real and very valid, i'm really doing very little about it!! too busy bouncing on my chair really. hahaha side effect of listening to 'love in the first degree'. it's so bouncy!! *bounce bounce* hahaha shit i'm seventeen!! - i stand accused of love in the first degree -
the older we get, the clearer some things are. people die, beauty fades, love changes.. and you'll always be alone. remember? i also remember what the guy in the book said. people die, so love them everyday. beauty fades, so look before it's gone. love changes, but not the love you give [this bit always confused me. so the love you recieve changes?? isn't that gift-love? isn't love always given? it's like energy, you can't create it out of nothing.] and if you love, you will never be alone. ahhh. nightworld. i still love huntress.
i remember the reason i quit ballet ten years ago. i was too shy to dance in front of people. i still have the problem. i'm too shy to do a hell of a lot of things in front of people. i won't dance, i won't run, i won't catch a ball. yes i know i know. too damned self-conscious. but somehow as long as there are people around, i feel like an elephant lumbering around. does that explain why i never wanted to play basketball with you people, why i never played captain's ball or any of the other stuff the ex-plc used to love doing? it wasn't really just because i'm lazy and hate sweating. it's really because i'm too self-conscious to move. my ballet teacher used to get mad at me [i was only five] because i didn't want to dance with people watching. that's why i quit eventually. couldn't take the pressure of performance. it's a miracle i'm still doing piano, because i still freak out when people hear me play. i start to tremble a bit, and hit the wrong notes, and somehow it just doesn't sound the same. i can't pour myself into anything when i'm all knotted up like that. arghhh. maybe that's why i admire performers so much. they know how to draw exhilaration from the limelight, from people's attention. sometimes i refuse to play the piano when people are in the living room. my own family. seventeen years. and i still can't do it.
there are days when i feel like such a failure.
i shall leave soon.
it must've been love.
10:11 am
xoxo
Thursday, September 8
chris and jean: after all that accusing me of being manipulative, how did i play into your hands last night? now you've gotten me to agree to do all manner of things that i might not have before.. although i know i should, because it's only right and fair. but still!! haha.
piano in a bit. so tired. this song is nice. can't cry hard enough.
why is it i can trust some people with every fibre of my being, but i hold back some things from others? it's not that i don't trust them.. it's just that i'm not sure of myself.. i guess.
did you know vaseline can be used to protect minor cuts, scrapes and burns temporarily? i didn't. why didn't they teach us this in first aid?
it must've been love.
4:29 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, September 7
i've stopped feeling productive. arghh. there's so much work i didn't know about! 3 lit essays? seriously? econs homework.. a lot! not counting the one i have to redo. sourcebased. argh. i feel like such a slacker. and the vcd i borrowed last week is now overdue. fantastic. i was feeling pretty grouchy today.. but my mood improved when i left the house. i'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with my house. i'm most depressed in it. staring at my fingers as i type.. i like my nails short and neat when they're unpainted. especially if i have no time to buff or do anything. i wonder if i'll ever take the effort to look presentable again. i don't even comb my hair much these days. oh well.
vank's gone. i guess she didn't get my last-minute sms. i guess it was a bit too late. but still, all the best.. i know you won't see this til you get back.. but you know i love you.
eating a cold ham sandwich. for some reason, the term 'salami tactics' comes to mind. eating it layer by layer.. digestion occuring slowly. i realise i've lost almost all the science knowledge i ever had. let's see. amylase to convert starch to maltose. maltase to convert maltose to glucose. protease to convert protein to polypetides. lipase to convert fats to glycerol and fatty acids. is this even correct? there are days when i wish i'd continued learning science.. because forgetting is one of the saddest words in the world.
it must've been love.
9:14 pm
xoxo
my pw group's coming around 2 hours. and i have to finish my share of the work by then. hmm. will start soon. just spent an hour playing the piano. feels good =D listening to 'maybe this time'.. :) she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then.. =D anyway, i decided to post something here!! haha this is the story i spun on the spot for annie. it's very long, very confusing and very silly. so if you're very bored, you can read on to find out what happens when you incorporate a bit of the little mermaid, cinderella, sleeping beauty, cleopatra, bollywood, any time-travel story and ordinary chicklit!! hahaha. gen and chris, i still haven't told you my story about the thair red ruby from the restaurant. maybe when we next eat there, i'll make it up for you =D please ignore typos / lack of punctuation / whatever. this is
not my standard of prose. just read for the general storyline [or lack thereof] =D anyway, this is the conversation:
let me tell you a story!!!!
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
hahaha
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
alright i'm listening!she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
okay. -breathes-
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
there was once a cowherd called *******she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
no wait i want to change his name. so unromanticshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
called philip+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
why the name?
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
hahaha.
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
EH DIGRESSION. I FOUND OUT THE GIRL IN MALORY TOWERS IS CALLED DARRELL NOT DARRYLL BUT NEVERMIND
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
i don't like that name!she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
cos i like the name philip. like prince philip from sleeping beautyshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
fine!! hmm.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
daniel?she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
i like the name danielshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
okay anyway
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
there was once a nameless cowherdshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
who grew up in a shabby little cottage next to the palace
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
haha nameless cowherd.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and there was a beautiful princess called annie who lived withinshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
she was never happy, although she had everything she could dream of; all the ponies she wanted to ride, all the candies she could ever eat, and endless days of sunshine and rainbow
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
he too, never knew happiness, but only because he was a pathetic male cowherd, and that says a lot in itself, and i am refering to the male bit not the cowherd bitshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
he had a favourite cow called belle, who was the best milkcow in the countryshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
one day, princess annie's father the KING decided to hold a ball! [like duh]
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and annie had to prepare for it.
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
it was her sweet seventeenth ball [eh when's your birthday?]she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and was to be her coming out ball.+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
20 jan.+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
haha.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
so her mother the queen ordered all cowherds to bring the best milkcows in the country to the palace to provide fresh cowmilk for her ceremonial bathshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
that fateful [or fatal, take your pick]+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
awwwwshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
day
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
annie was riding her pony out in the yard when she noticed this tall, dark and handsome [i don't think so but nvm it's your fairytale] cowherd leading in the sweetest looking milkcow ever
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
she turned her pony abruptly and paused behind a chestnut tree, peeking out shyly at him.+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
haha. reminds me of....bollywood.
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
hahahha TOO BAD+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
are they gg to start dancing ard the tree?she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
THEN
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
she realisedshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
there was someone with himshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
a pretty, young milkmaid.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
*dramatic pause*she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
please stay tuned for tomorrow's episode of The Princess and the Cowherd
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
=Dshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
HAHAHAHAHAH+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
HAHAHA+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
FINISH IT
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
no, please stay tuned..she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
hahahaha+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
hahaha+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
you're so evil....she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
hahahah!!!!+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
but why is he a cowherd? hahaha.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
um. i dunno lehshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
okay i shall finish the story!!
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
where was i
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
oh yes
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
a pretty, young milkmaid.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
she leaned forward on her pony, straining her eyes[annie i mean]
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
unfortunately, her pony chose that moment to move suddenly, and threw annie off unto the ground!she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
with a gasp, she lay crumpled at the foot of the treeshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
the nameless cowherd glanced up from his [boring] conversation with the [bimbotic] milkmaid, and paying no heed to his place in the caste system [you're in india], dashed over.
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
his cow mooed.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
after much dramatic running across lush green fields [okay about half a yard], he came to her side
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and picking her up by her slender waist, cried out, ah! i know you, i walked with you once upon a dream! [sing the whole song yourself]
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
upon hearing his voice, her eyelids fluttered open, and she gazed up adoringly at her saviour [eeeek getting too sappy]+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
HAHA OH MANshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and realising he was the cowherdshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
SLAPPED HIM+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
my hair is standing up...+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
slapped him?!she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
he gaspedshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and dropped her like a hot coalshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
while she scrambled to her feet shouting
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
'YOU TWO-TIMER AND CHEAP COWHERD!! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME!!!'
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
he fled back to his cow, humiliated, where the milkmaid delivered a well-deserved slap to his other cheek
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
the princess annie stumbled to her feet and led her pony away, chin in the airshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
that night, dancing at the ball, she looked into the eyes of someone.. special.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
someone who wasn't really tall, or dark or handsomeshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
but someone who made her laugh, and could read her mind like a bookshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
within three dances, she was like a fish ensnared in a net laid specially for hershe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and he, he was like a fish caught by a hook
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
fortunately, the net and hook were next to each other
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and they could still love from that distanceshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
[did i just say that????]
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
by the fifth dance, she could barely feel her feet as they skimmed over the smooth marble floors+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
haha oh mannnshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
just as the clock struck midnight, he leaned in and whispered, ' if only you knew, this isn't really india. would you marry me?'she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
she gazed up in wonderment, eyes shimmering with unshed tears, a single word on her lips, 'maybe'she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
TO BE CONTINUEDshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
ahhahahaha
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
eh congratulate me!! i incorporated cinderella, sleeping beauty, ariel and bollywood!!!
before she could finish her sentence, she found herself in quite another world altogether. clad in a light brown uniform and standing in a rather ugly building, she couldn't recognise anyone around her. they were staring glumly at books on tables or laughing loudly in their own little groups. then across something that her mind whispered was a class bench, she saw.. him. and suddenly she realisedshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
that he had no idea of their previous life / past / whatever
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and everytime she glanced at him, she began to understand why he wouldn't smile at her or glance her way+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
oh noooooooooo.
+ First and last thing on my mind. [[ annie.d.j.l.s.]] says:
so saddd ):she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
WAIT
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
it wasn't that he was a dumbass [which he was, inherently, since he was male]she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
it was just that he honestly had no clueshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
so she confided in a mutual friend, who made a big fool out of everyone in his attempt to help [please tune in to channel 23 for more details]she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
but eventually got the princess and the nameless cowherd talking online [the wonderful things they invent!]
she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
the milkmaid turned out to be his little sister[ does he have one?] who was merely telling him off for not knowing his place previouslyshe's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
and as for that mysterious dancer at the ball who stole her heart a lifetime ago.. well, the cowherd could never resist donning a mask and joining the masquarade, especially if it entailed getting to dance with the much sought-after princess.she's smiling like she used to smile, way back then says:
THE END this is not a true story
yes i was bored. hahahaha. i didn't include the bits where i let annie choose between 1) having the author drop a molotov cocktail on them and 2) having it turn out very The Maid. she chose neither. okay mari's on her way. i should get started. but before i go..
maybe this time it'll be love and they'll find, maybe now they can be more than just friends.. she's back in his life, and it feels so right.. maybe this time.. maybe this time.. maybe this time, love won't end..
it must've been love.
10:03 am
xoxo
Tuesday, September 6
i studied today!! well. if i can remember anything, anyway. kap's being renovated. the seats are nice and bouncy. finally bought an econs textbook after losing 3/5 of my notes. i honestly have no clue as to where they went. but i flipped through nanz's. seems pretty good. like physics! or chem? i believe i'll need it to redo my timed assignment soon.
my hair was awful today.
i swear. the shortest part of my fringe
curled upwards, although the rest was fine. i never looked this tweety before!! arghhh. thank goodness we didn't run into anyone i know. if this happens again tomorrow..
i have more or less come to terms with my fate. thank you for your care / concern / sharing of my initial denial.
i may get retained after all.
it must've been love.
7:51 pm
xoxo
Monday, September 5
looking at you, i wonder if pain can be better defined, than the slow transition into lack thereof. nothing screams agony like an unstoppable degeneration into numbness. and i only wish i knew what to do.
we need more than reminiscence.
going back to hibernating. it's so much easier than facing up to reality.
it must've been love.
10:16 pm
xoxo
sorry, i don't really feel like saying much right now. maybe i'm afraid of what i might say, and all it's implications. maybe i think too much. or maybe i'm just cynical. van - good luck. you know i love you. i like this song.
Maybe This TimeTwo old friends meet again
Wearin' older faces
And talk about the places they've been
Two old sweethearts who fell apart
Somewhere long ago
How are they to know
Someday they'd meet again
And have a need for more than reminiscin'
Maybe this time
It'll be love and they'll find
Maybe now they can be more than just friends
She's back in his life
And it feels so right
Maybe this time, love won't end
It's the same old feeling back again
It's the one that they had way back when
They were too young to know when love is real
But somehow, some things never change
And even time hasn't cooled the flame
It's burnin' even brighter than it did before
It got another chance, and if they take it...
Maybe this time
It'll be love and they'll find
Maybe now they can be more than just friends
She's back in his life
And it feels so right
Maybe this time, love won't end
She's smilin' like she used to smile way back then
He's feelin' like he used to feel way back when
They tried, but somethin' kept them
Waiting for this magic moment
Maybe this time
It'll be love and they'll find
Maybe now they can be more than just friends
She's back in his life
And it feels so right
Maybe this time...
Maybe this time
Maybe this time love won't end
i want to be a nun.
it must've been love.
7:51 pm
xoxo
Sunday, September 4
in denial.
slept the past 3 days away in order to continue being in denial.
and everytime something comes to mind, i scream and try to drown it out with other thoughts. i'm now running out of thoughts. good lord, what am i to do?
and then when i'm awake, i try to drown out all annoying thoughts with food.
and all this when others are studying for their exams?? WHY GOD WHY??
i know why. sigh. i should stab myself.
it must've been love.
5:41 pm
xoxo
Friday, September 2
let's skip the bit where i'll get around 2 marks for math.
talked to siti a bit today. hahaha. let's see the results of that conversation. i know pretty much what i want - i've always known, sweetie. well the basics anyway. i add and subtract [oh God, math!] as i see fit over the months and years. so. i want someone musically inclined [actual musical instrument undefined], witty [isn't it obvious i'd never make do with a thickhead?], able to speak english [around my standard, part singlish], reasonably intellectual [so we can actually have a decent conversation], sweet without being sickening [this means i'll get roses, but i won't get disturbed every second of the day with a 'hi honey are you okay?' message], and best of all, someone with whom i can have wonderful arguments! i know, i know, everyone says i'm quarrelsome. but really the issue isn't how much i like to argue. it's who i'm gonna have fun arguing with. where's the fun in arguing with an idiot who can't respond fast enough, who isn't sarcastic or funny or witty enough? i might as well talk to the wall. no, i know i've always been and always will be attracted to joking banter. key idea here is the ability to argue and have loads of fun doing it. sometimes i think i demand too much. sometimes i know it. because i've never really known anyone who fit my criteria [or i'd be attached already].. do you?
listening to please remember me (world trade centre and pentagon sept 11 2001). it's horribly sad. especially the commentries. on my goodness. i can't listen to it alone.
it must've been love.
8:44 pm
xoxo
Thursday, September 1
i am an extremely stubborn person i know. but i am also a deep sea fish. damn, i am THE deep sea fish! things like these aren't supposed to happen to me! not here, not now! i flatly refuse to admit defeat. your little girl is growing up, and she is shrinking away from the big world out there. do not ask me about this. i may turn homicidal. i don't like things i can't control.
oh. newsflash. piano sucked. screwed it up completely. don't ask. pretending it never happened. i'm good at that.
math test tmr. gonna screw it up, as always. gotta rush history essay and chinese hwk too. yes i know it will be midnight soon. yes i care. no i don't know what i'm doing. maybe i am trying to render myself senseless. maybe i want to hop around and scream. goodnight, all.
it must've been love.
11:20 pm
xoxo
